Walking Time Bomb.

Walking time bombIt has all become too much. I don’t know how much more I can take. I am exhausted.

Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.

I can feel everything I have supressed manifest inside of me. I can only hope and pray that I can keep it in long enough to support those who rely on me. I am being pulled in too many different directions. Too much is being expected from me.

But here I am, slowly crumbling inside, waiting for something to trigger my inevitable explosion of emotion. And yet, here I will remain so that I can be there for those who need my strength. Fear not, do it out of love because I know I am stronger than most but my limit is approaching. Fast.

I no longer know where home is. Something unsettling is happening everywhere I go.

Where is the place I use to call home?

I can only run into the night for so long.

Unfortunately, I am living in the big world now and responsibility often comes knocking on my door.

So please excuse me while I try cope with all these demons eating me from the inside. I know I will come out stronger and wiser. I just need a little time… but something tells me I am headed for a worse hell before I am blessed by the rays of heaven.

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2 responses to “Walking Time Bomb.

  1. Angie,

    Reading your blog I first have to note that my first impression was that, you really do have a handle on how you feel.Even though it might seem like you have more questions than answers. You are already 1/2 way through the healing process. – Please will you grace me with the option to explain….

    Whilst talking (ever so briefly) through the ear defining laughter, the sound of shot’s possibly being sold and the music, we where only able to hear every second, ever so short, sentence. But, the time you took to listen, talk and just spend a brief minute was special. And through this, I was graced by the opportunity to be able to reply on the blog…(Thank you)

    Your comments in your blog reminds me allot of how I felt in high school. I hated high school with a passion. I was a social outcast, a mediocre student and worst of all a “walking time bomb”.

    I will not forget the grade 9 Afrikaans class. Ms. Le Roux (an incredibly beautiful teacher) was giving class. AND suddenly, there it started; I could not stop crying, the class obviously laughed and I was called to the front. I was asked to explain and the words that came out of my mouth was: “My father is not living with us any more and I don’t see him any more”….. The words surprised me more than any one lucky enough to be able to decipher it!!

    What? The fact that my parents are divorced, the fact that because of the time between different homes assisted in poor social skills and the fact that I am a product of a broken home; This actually affected me…

    It took me some years to correct and work through the fact that I was not OK. And this is very much thanks (ironically) to my Father, Mother and family/friend’s assistance. I am who I am because of the people who love me (despite their mistakes and shortcomings, or mine)!

    I will not even pretend to say that I understand, I will not pretend to say that I have gone through what you have. However I would say this;
    Take heart! You will love passionately again, you will feel safe and whole again and you will have beauty in your life again. AND, yes you will get hurt again. BUT Angie, this also will pass…

    And the bottom line is, it is all about perspective! See the beauty of a stunning sunset (or sunrise 🙂 ), listen to music that make you cry and don’t be afraid to feel. It might seem like a mess now, but as the words in the Grade 9 class surprise the awkward kid, your strength and love for life will surprise you.

    Keep seeing the odd things, and keep righting about them 🙂

    Cheers,
    Conrad

    PS, thank you for vastly improving my day with your time

    • Hi Conrad,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to look at my blog. I really appreciate your feedback.
      I will keep all that you have said in my for the future.

      It was also a pleasure talking to you.
      I hope you and your baby girl are doing well.

      Until we meet again,
      Angie

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