Dating. Erg.

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Tehe, this is my tactic.

I don’t know if it just me but I practically dread going on dates – not to mention first dates. Sure, it is suppose to be fun and I am a girl so the guy usually pays for most things but still. No matter how many times my friends say “You should totally go on a date with him” or “You really need to put yourself out there more”, I am still anti. I never been socially challenge – or at least I don’t think I have been – but going out to dinner with someone and taking the risk of whether they chew with there mouth open or closed is just too much. I don’t even think a free meal is worth listening to someone masticate throughout the evening.

Anyways, I have weighed out the pro’s and con’s of dating. Here they are:

The BEST things about dating:

  • You no longer have to vomit when you hear the countless number of love songs on the radio because you can relate. I know, you are no longer forever alone so you sing a long on top of your lungs as you think about all the cute, romantic things your new lover does for you. I have been there. It is pretty great. Oh, and let us not forget when ‘your song’ plays on the radio. Your inner butterflies cant help but flutter about as if they are having panic attacks.
  • You make friends with their friends. Yay! More friends! Meeting new people is always a good thing. It only becomes awkward when the romance dies and you not only lose a lover, but a bunch of friends as well.
  • You become overwhelmed with that giddy kind of feeling whenever they send you a cute text or secretly smile at you from across the room. Let us not forget how excited you get when you know you are going to be seeing them in ONLY 3 sleeps.
  • You kind of feel like a detective and this new love interest of yours is a mystery. It can be quite thrilling and adventurous to explore a new persons personality and discover those retarded little habit they have – but you guys are ‘inlove’ so the fact that they only consume yoghurt threw a straw becomes cute.
  • You get a shnuggle buddy during the cold winter months and rainy summer days. Sure, your cat can kind of count as a winter shnuggle buddy but it isn’t quite the same as cuddling up with a heap of sexy in front of the fire whiles watching movies and eating chocolate.
  • You get to take those cliché couple pictures and upload them to every sort of social media that allows it, making every single person out there cringe

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    This could be you 😉

The WOSRT things about dating:

  • Your brain becomes so mushed up with love, you lose your sense of logic. It happens to the best of us. You know what they say: love is blinding blind.
  • Eventually, you are going to have to meet their parents. Will you be good enough for their son/ daughter? What will they think of your facial piercings? What if they don’t accept the fact that you are vegetarian and they sneak poisoned pork into your pie to get revenge on the fact that you have used witchcraft to conjure over the heart of their beloved child? Yip… meeting the parents does things to your mind. Luckily, most parents are actually lovely creatures and the chances of them feeding you when you come over is good so all in all, there isn’t really THAT much of a need to worry your face off.
  • Having trouble falling asleep becomes a common thing. I know that thinking about your love for hours on end might bring warmth to your heart but my God, it can get annoying when you haven’t slept since who even knows when and you have to be up at 5am tomorrow morning. #selfinflictedinsomnia
  • Break ups happen. Unless you have be extremely blessed, the chance of you marrying the first person you date is hiiiiiiiiiighly unlikely. Break ups suck. I know. I have been there and I have got the t-shirt. As Lil Wayne raps, No love lost, No love found.

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    Yip… Writing a list of things to talk about before hand could help. #HouseBunnyStyle

If I am completely honest with you, I think I fear dating because I know of the pain that can come from a love turned sour. But, such is life. We win some, we lose some.

Note to self: You cant expect to find happiness if you live in a box and protect your heart from everything that might bring you woes. *slaps forehead repeatedly*

 

I have decided to help you out and sum up a list of some things you should NEVER say/do on a first date. Like ever.

If you are a guy:

  1. “Does this rag smell like cloroform to you?”
  2. “So, can I do you now?”
  3. After sex: “So, if I told you – and this is just a hypothetical – if I told you I might have herpes, what would you say?”
  4. “Wow, you’re nothing like I thought you were. I mean, the pictures I took of you from the tree behind your house say nothing about your personality!”
  5. “If I pay for dinner, I expect that you’ll be having a popsicle for dessert.”
  6. “Damn, I can’t believe I got a real date. When I get home, my mom is going to be SO proud…”
  7. “Whoops, how’d that fall out of my pants?”
  8. “Holy shit, look at the tits on the piece of ass on table 3!”
  9. “Meal’s on me. I just sold my level 70 Warlock Paladin WoW account.”
  10. “I’ll be right back, I always have to call my parole officer at 6.”
  11. In Yoda Talk: “Ride me you should.”
  12. “So… When’s it due?”
  13. “Be right back, I have mud-butt.”
  14. “Oh shit, I’ve got a boner”
  15. “So I said: “No more medication! Homicidal tendencies be damned!””
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Don’t be that girl. Just don’t.

If you are a girl:

  1. “That? Oh, its a scar from where my penis used to be.”
  2. “I believe in Castration before Marriage.. how about you?”
  3. “This is so crazy… I thought you were gay!”
  4. “8 inches is the bare minimum”
  5. “I forgot to shave.”
  6. “Is your nickname ‘Tiny’?”
  7. “Aww it’s so cute!”
  8. When he is naked: “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
  9. “I hope you’re not too picky about bowel control.”
  10. “What’s your name again? I was thinking about marriage and sort of spaced out.”
  11. “What do you want to name our kids?”
  12. What?Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?Areyouafreakorsomehting?Youthinkyourbetterthanme?WellI’vegotsomenewsforyoubuster…”
  13. “How much money do you have in your wallet?”
  14. Don’t say anything. Just stare and take notes on how to kill him.
  15. Talk in Third Person e.g. Candice wishes to drink some alcohol now, bitch.

For more tips on things NOT to say/do on first dates, see: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Worst_100_Things_to_say_on_a_First_Date

Another thing that gets me wondering about the whole dating game is whether people lie or not. Okay let’s be for real, majority of us will tell a little white lie here and there to impress our date. Stop it. Rather be honest from the beginning and avoid nasty little truths later on in the relationship. Honest is key people.

That brings me to my final question: Have you ever lied on a first date? If so, what disguised truth did you twist?

So there it is, my brief 2c on dating.

Angie

xx

 

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2 responses to “Dating. Erg.

  1. Whahahahaha this post totally cracked me up! Your don’ts are hilariously awesome 🙂
    It’s been a while since I’ve been on a first date, but I think we all try to sell our best qualities on the first date right? I wouldn’t call it lies, but just the polished version of you… Everyone does that! (Right?!) x

    • Hahaha thank you! 😛
      That makes too of us. I was suppose to go out on a date this week but I had to postpone(phew).
      Hehe I tend to agree with you. There is nothing wrong with trying to portray yourself in the best light possible but there is a difference between showing your best side and lying. Saying you only get high every now and then when you get high every second day is a lie! 😛
      x

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